Ash Upton's European Vacation
by Jade Catherine
Summary: Ash and her father travel to Germany; events there raise new questions about her relationship with Emily.  A canon-compatible story.  Thanks to the NapalmLuck folks for all their help.
1. Chapter 1

Emily seized the phone halfway through the first ring.

"McArthurs', this is Emily!"

"Em!"

"Ash! Are you there?"

"Yeah, we're in the airport in Bremen." A buzz of voices and bustle around Ash confirmed it.

"Ash?" Doc Upton's voice was faintly audible over the airport buzz. "You aren't going to spend our entire trip on the phone, are you? We're in Germany, you know!"

Ash's voice got a little fainter as she spoke away from the phone. "I know, Dad, but we're just killing time at baggage claim and I thought this would be a good time to check in with people, 'cause you know, this is just the airport. Don't worry, I'll be all touristy when we're in cathedrals and stuff."

"Teenage girls and their phones..." sighed Ash's father.

"Forget it, Ash - he didn't mean anything!" Em called hastily into the phone. "It's just an excuse to say the same thing he'd say if you were a guy!"

Ash's voice was directed back into the phone. "Yeah... I get that. I'm OK. Thanks, though." Then, "Dad? I'm going to go over there - I think the reception will be better."

"So how was the flight?"

"Long! Boring. I tried to get started on my make-up homework for the trip, which didn't help with the 'boring' part. Glad it's over. Turns out there's an advantage to being shorter as a girl, though. Extra leg room compared to the last time I was on a plane."

"And did you ogle the stewardesses?"

"Bad luck. One was middle-aged and the other was a guy."

"Well, was he cute?"

"EM! Don't think that just because I'm halfway around the world I won't come smack you."

Em grinned. She'd been dreading this time - ten days without Ash - so it was nice to think they could keep the teasing going long-distance.

"Hey, did I just hear English over the loudspeaker?" she asked Ash.

"Yeah... everything's in German and English and, um, French I think. It's kind of disappointing seeing so much English, actually. Makes it seem not very exotic or mysterious."

"Well, maybe that'll change once you get away from the airport. So what are you doing first?"

"We're staying the night here in Bremen, then taking a train to Berlin tomorrow and sightseeing there and in Hamburg for the next couple days. Then Dad's conference starts, so we come back here to Bremen and I get to kick around on my own the rest of the trip."

"I'll warn Interpol." Em sighed. "I'm so jealous. I want to go to Europe."

"I asked my Dad if we could get another companion ticket, but it would have been full price."

"I think people would think it was weird if I went to Europe with you."

"Why? Everybody knows we're best friends."

"Yeah... well, maybe someday."

"So how are the feathered freaks?"

"Don't know. I'll keep an eye on them at school today."

"Ha, it's like getting you to dog-sit."

"Dogs are more responsible."

"No doubt. Uh, it looks like our bags are here, I'd better go. Call you from the train tomorrow?"

"I'll be here."

"'Kay, bye!"

Gently, reluctantly, Emily set down the phone. Ten days. No big deal, right?

~ x ~ x ~

"Hey Em! It's Ash!"

Behind Ash's voice came a rhythmic ka-lack, ka-lack, ka-lack. "Sounds like you're on the train, huh?"

"Yeah, in the cafeteria car."

"So how is it?"

"Well, the scenery from the train is really pretty. Even though it's winter and it's not snowy, the fields and farmhouses and stuff still look really cool. Lots of old stone walls and stuff."

"You're going to send me lots of pictures, right?"

"Uh, yeah, but they really don't look that good when I take them through the train windows. I'll get you some postcards with better pictures."

"But I want you in the pictures."

"OK, well, I'll take some, then. Anyway, I came down to the cafeteria to talk away from my Dad because... I kind of wanted to talk about him. He's being all father-daughter with me. It's kind of creepy."

"Why, what's he doing?"

"Oh, I don't know. He just wants to be talking to me all the time, and asking me stuff."

"That's not necessarily father-daughter, you know. Maybe it's just parent-child."

"He never used to be like this."

"Well, this is your big trip together, you know. Probably the last before you graduate. He's probably wanting to make some memories before you go out on your own."

"Hmm." Ash didn't sound convinced.

"Look, Ash... you keep on looking at everything like, 'Does this mean I'm a girl?' It's kind of your obsession and it gets in the way of stuff. Like, this trip really IS a big deal. You probably WILL remember it forever. I sure would. So do you really want to remember mostly feeling suspicious of your Dad? Wouldn't you rather have it be a great time? You'll never have another chance to do this, even if you do get refiled right."

"But he..."

"And anyway, let's say he really IS trying harder because you're a girl now. Why does that make it bad? Why can't you just enjoy the good things in your life without worrying about, _this is a girl thing_, _this is a guy thing_? Why can't it just be, this is a good thing?"

"Why can't you just enjoy _me_ without worrying about whether _I'm_ a girl?"

Em's voice went flat and a little angry. "You are changing the subject."

"Ah... geez... I'm sorry, Em. Pretend I never said that."

"Okay."

"I was just hoping to talk to somebody who would understand..."

"Well, I'm all you've got to talk to, unless you want to tell somebody else about the Misfile. And I think I do understand. I understand that you hate being a girl. But don't make your life all about how you hate being a girl."

A few ka-lacks went by. "It's hard for me to forget about, Em."

"Yeah, well, I believe you. So, does that mean Ash Upton only does things that are easy?"

"Ooh, zing! So what are you saying I should do?"

"Try to pretend it's normal, and if you end up enjoying yourself, don't stop yourself."

"That work for you?"

Em thought about that for a minute. "I did start out constantly thinking, 'if I were still a senior...'. But then you distracted me into doing things instead of pitying myself. And then, when I thought, 'if I were still a senior', I'd think 'I wouldn't be having this much fun'."

"So, you think I'm going to start liking life as a girl better?"

"No! Just, just try to like your life and drop the _'as a girl'_ part. There's no _'as a'_, it's just your life. Why shouldn't you like it? You deserve to."

"Hmm. This is a hell of a pep talk when I really just wanted to bitch, Em."

"Yeah, well, it's what I think. I want you happy. Still friends?"

"Still friends."

"Call me from Berlin?"

"OK, but I'm not sure when because Dad might want to do things all evening and stuff. It might not be until we're back on the train toward Hamburg."

"OK. I'll be waiting."

"Tschuess, Frauelein."

_Wow_, thought Em, setting down the receiver. _I can't believe I finally told her all that. I hope she thinks about it._


	2. Chapter 2

Ash stood almost touching the grafitti-coated wall, spread her arms wide, and pressed the fingertips to the cold cement on either side. She imagined the chill of the Cold War seeping from the old barrier through her fingers and into her bones.

"I never saw it when I was little," her Dad was saying. "But everybody knew about it. The Wall was this terrible symbol of the other side, of the ultimate fear."

"That the Communists would take over?"

"No, that there would be a nuclear war with them and we'd all die. And you'd never know when it would come. Any day could be the last day. All the missiles were ready to fire at any moment... it's a wonder we didn't all go crazy."

Ash closed her eyes and pressed harder. She meditated in respectful silence, standing at the tombstone of a nightmare.

~ x ~ x ~

"Hi, Em?"

"Ash! How are you doing!"

"Well, I _was_ doing great..."

"Uh-oh. What's wrong?"

"Oh, it's... well, Dad and I were having a good time. We were seeing all this awesome stuff - these buildings with great architecture, hard to even describe them. I took pictures."

"Cathedrals? Castles?"

"No, it's mostly new stuff. The old buildings mostly got smashed in the war. So it actually gave them a chance to build cool new stuff. Except in East Berlin, where it gave them a chance to build stuff so ugly it's funny."

"Oh, yeah... that makes sense..."

"So anyway, Dad's a pretty cool guy to tour around with. He knows German, and a lot of history, and... I don't know, he makes it really interesting, not in a teachery way. And it was just kind of fun. He was right, we hadn't spent much time together lately, and... I wasn't really missing it, but now I feel like I should have missed it. You know?"

"So... letting him be all fatherly worked out?"

"Yeah, basically. And he didn't try to make a big girl of me or anything, just... we just had fun."

"So I was right!"

"Okay, Em, you were right. Did you hear that, everybody?" Ash raised her voice to a mock yell. "Emily McArthur was totally right! She's brilliant and talented and possibly the greatest mind of our time!"

Em smiled. "So what's the not-good part?"

"It's school," Ash groaned. "This great big paper I'm supposed to turn in after my trip. How many pages can I spend saying 'Germany is cool?' It's stupid to pretend you can take all this and put it on paper. Even trying to do it ruins it."

"Well, that's what they call 'written communication skills'."

"You suck. So now, instead of just enjoying it, I'm stressing out about how I'm supposed to make a paper out of it. It's ruining the fun."

"Are you taking the brochures at everyplace you go to?"

"Uh, not really."

"You should. The brochures have all the little facts and details that teachers like to see in papers. It's like getting somebody's notes. They'll make it a lot easier later on when you're writing about it."

"Uh... that's a good idea."

"And... tell you what. I speak teacherese. I can ask you questions right now, when it's fresh in your mind, about the sort of things teachers think reports should say. I'll write down your answers, and when you get back I'll give you the notes. They'll make perfect starting material for your paper."

"Jeez, Em. I didn't mean to dump my homework off onto you. Bad enough it has to ruin _my_ day."

"I don't mind. It lets me get involved in your trip. It's the closest I can get to coming with you. So. Tell me the names of some of the places you went."

"Okay. So there were all these guilt-trip sites, places where the Nazis had done horrible things and now they have monuments to make sure they feel bad forever. It's kind of funny, you know? We don't have big monuments in America saying, 'Here's how we robbed the Indians', 'here's how we enslaved the blacks'."

"Okay, one site at a time. Did you see the Reichstag?"

"Geez, you're good. Yeah, we did..." 

~ x ~ x ~

"Emily? I'm sorry, I didn't wake you up, did I?"

"No, I was just getting ready for school."

"Thanks. I'm sorry to call so early, but it can't wait for tonight." Ash's tone was plaintive.

"Ash, what's wrong?"

"My Dad - he bought tickets to go to a fancy dinner and concert at a palace tonight. And there's a dress code."

"Uh-oh. Did you even pack a dress?"

"Of course not - but he brought one for me! He called my mom and they conspired against me! She told him what to pack and they kept it secret..."

"Hmm. What kind of dress?"

"Well, it's... kind of a plain black dress. Nothing crazy like the one I had to model."

"Ooh, a little black dress!"

"Not that little. Knee-length, I guess? Kind of fancy, but not super-fancy. And the shoes aren't too bad, there's just barely a heel. But still! It's a dress, and I'm supposed to wear it on _my vacation_! And he sprung this on me just now!"

"Guess he knew you'd bail out over the Atlantic Ocean if you'd known..."

"And when I tell him I won't do it, he just looks sad and says he won't go, either, because he wants us to be together! Like it's my fault he can't go! That's not fair, Em!"

"You're right. It isn't not fair. He knew you wouldn't like the idea, so he should have asked in advance."

"That's right!"

A long pause, and Emily wondered what to say. "What kind of event did you say it was, again?"

Ash sighed. "There's an old royal palace called Charlottenburg, and it's all still decorated with that fancy intricate stuff like when the royal family lived there. You go and tour the palace, and then have a fancy royalty-style dinner, and the palace staff is all in fancy old-style costumes and wigs, and then there's an orchestra performance right there in the palace.

"It sounds kind of awesome."

"It does look awesome. I do want to go! I'm not really big on classical music, but I'd make an exception for this. Except they had to go and make a NO TOMBOYS ALLOWED rule."

"Even tomboys have to wear a dress now and then."

"This would be the third time in one year!"

"I know girls who wear dresses three days a week."

"I know boys who never wear dresses at all!"

"Really? What a bunch of weirdos." Em bit her lip, wondering what to say next. "Well, you don't owe it to your Dad. He tried to sneak it past you, so he can't complain if you won't go. So it just comes down to, is it worth it to you to wear the dress to get to go to the palace?"

"Yeah. Em, I... I'm thinking about going."

"Okay!"

"No, it's not okay! Why am I thinking about it? I feel like maybe it's worth it, which means I don't hate wearing a dress as much as I used to, which means... what does it mean?"

"Adapting to your situation is healthy. Manly, even. Throwing tantrums forever and ever is not manly."

"You really think so?"

"Yeah. You sound like you're asking my permission."

"I... kind of... am? I need to know you won't think it means I'm turning into a girl. I mean, even more into a girl. You're the only human in the world who knows what I am. What if you stop believing in me?"

"Uh, then, you'll still get Rumisiel to turn you back into a boy someday, and then I'll be wrong. So what? Anyway, I do believe in you."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Okay, thanks Em... I'll think about it..."

"Uh, Ash? Could I ask one thing?"

"Sure."

"If you do decide to go, could I get a picture of you in your dress?"

"What for?"

"Well... girls just like to see their friends being pretty. Trust me, it's a girl thing. I never got to see you in your modelling dress, after all."

"Yeah... OK, I'll send you a picture."

"Thanks! Hey, if you go, please enjoy it! Don't go like it's to your execution! Tell you what, I'll come up with something really awesome and manly you can do afterward to recharge your boy batteries."

"Yeah? Like what?"

"I don't know. I'll think of something. Just... don't worry about it, OK? Have a good time, for me?"

"... Okay. For Emily." 


	3. Chapter 3

_From:xr4ti at hotmail com  
><em>

_To: emily_mcarthur at mail com _

_Date: 9:17 PM January 22, 2005_

_Subject: Germany photos_

_Hey, Em! Like I promised, here's Germany._

_Hamburg today... call you about it tonight!_

_- Ash_

_~ x ~ x ~_

Emily clicked the link and tapped her toes impatiently as the page slowly loaded. She scanned quickly past dozens of photos of buildings and monuments to the ones featuring a redhead in a black dress. The dress was velvet, long-sleeved and snug to her curves. The neckline scooped deep and broad enough to expose most of her shoulders and a hint of her cleavage. The skirt flared widely to her knee, with a hint of black crinoline peeking from beneath the hem. The effect was almost perfect... elegant, but with a simple, "not trying too hard" air that made the perfect contrast to the elaborate decorations and costumes around her.

In several of the photos, she was looking at the camera and smiling, or trying to - an awkward self-consciousness showed through loud and clear. But in one of them, she was standing beside one of the gowned waitresses, turning her head as both of them laughed at something, forgetting for the moment to be nervous. Her cheekbones as she laughed, her twinkling eyes, the smooth exposed sweep of neck and shoulder...

Emily realized that she was leaning close to the screen and staring with parted lips. Awkwardly, she swallowed and glanced around her bedroom for purely imaginary witnesses. "I'll take it off before she comes back," she muttered, downloading the photo and replacing her computer's wallpaper with it. She leaned back and just eyed the image for a long time.

Finally, she shook herself fully awake and said, "OK, Ash, wait till you see this." She began to type.

_~ x ~ x ~_

_From: emily_mcarthur at mail com _

_To:xr4ti at hotmail com  
><em>

_Date: 9:51 PM January 22, 2005_

_Subject: Re: Germany photos_

_Hey, thanks for the pictures! Really awesome - and you look great! (Don't take that wrong. I mean "great" in a good way, not "great" in an "Ash has another personal crisis" way.)_

_You did your part, and now it's my turn - I promised you something awesome and manly. Well, maybe it doesn't count as "manly", since Kate would probably love it too, but I bet you won't complain:_

_.de_

_"The ATP Automotive Testing Papenburg GmbH operates one of the largest and most manufacturer independent automotive proving grounds for passenger and commercial vehicles in the world. Located in the northwest of Germany, the area measuring 780 ha offers excellent conditions for over-all tests on vehicles."_

_"Modern and partly unique tracks, fully equipped workshops as well as the proper testing devices are available for lease to national and international automotive manufacturers and their suppliers for the execution of their testing activities."_

_It's not very far from Bremen - I bet you could go there every day while your Dad's at his conference. I'm just sorry you can't bring the XR4Ti with you! :)_

_Have a good time!_

_Emily_

_~ x ~ x ~_

"Em, I LOVE you!"

"Uh?..."

"Uh, I'm sorry. I mean, thank you SO MUCH for finding out about ATP!"

Emily lay back on her bed, pressing the receiver to her ear. "Oh, yeah, the test track place? How'd it go?"

"It's incredible... all the best, newest cars in Europe, cars that don't even exist on the market yet, cars that won't even ever be on the market because they're experimental, and all day long they're driving them, pushing them to the limit, tweaking them, driving them more. All people who totally live and breathe cars - so much into them that they make me feel like a newbie. Only they aren't all swaggery about it, either. No egos, no I'm-bigger-than-you, just pure tuning."

Emily beamed up at the ceiling. "I knew you'd like it!"

"Liked it? I was in heaven! No, wait, tomorrow's heaven."

"Why? What's tomorrow?"

"Tomorrow I get to go back and actually help work on the cars."

"Huh? You got a job?"

"Ha! That would be fantastic. No, but I asked the tour person so many questions that he brought a couple of the engineers over, and I asked them so many questions that eventually they said I could come back tomorrow and be a sort of intern-for-a-day."

"Ash, That's fantastic! You sly girl. Did you bat your eyeleashes?"

Emily waited a minute for a response, but the line was silent. Wondering if the connection had been dropped, she ventured, "Ash?"

"Uh?... uh, geez, I was just wondering... did I?"

"Did you what?"

"Bat my eyelashes?"

"Um, I dunno. Did you?"

"Crap, I hope not!"

Em puffed a laugh. "Well, that would be the surefire way to get special treatment! Pretty teenage girl hangs on their every word and they're like butter. Let me guess, they were both guys, right?"

"Oh, God, Em. What if they thought I was flirting with them? I'm gonna die."

"Relax. I'm sure you weren't flirting. It's just that to guys, being interested in what they're into is as good as flirting, maybe better."

"I know. That's... oh crap... that's awful!"

"Hey, don't worry about it. You can push them off if they flirt too much back."

"But... but I thought they respected me, you know - saw me as a kindred spirit - and now I don't know if it was really respect or just lust."

"Yeah." Emily's grin faded. "It's like that."

"And I'll never know!" Ash's voice took on a frantic tone. "Every time somebody seems to respect me, I'll never know! And it's going to be like this for the rest of my life!"

"Hey, hey, we're going to get you changed back, remember?"

"Yeah... sure..." Ash agreed, weakly.

"Ash! Snap out of it. You're going to have a great time tomorrow."

"I don't know if I should even go..."

"Stop that!" Emily bolted upright off the bed. "Don't think like that!"

"But I..."

"Don't let anybody take this away from you! That would be letting the bastards get you down! That would be letting all the most horrible guys win. If they squash you down and keep you from doing what you love, they win. You get out there and you be your awesome Ash self and don't let them stop you, and you win!"

Ash took a deep breath. "You're right. I guess you'd know. I mean, half of the world's population deals with it somehow, right?"

"That's right! And we don't crumple up and slink away. We go out there and we do it!"

Ash laughed a little. "OK. Thanks, Emily. I swear, if I ever get to be a guy again, I am going to be the most UN-sexist guy you've ever heard of. I am going to bend over backwards to do the right thing, and if other guys call me a faggot for it, they can sit and spin."

"I believe you."

There was a little pause, then Ash said, "You know, if this was an after-school TV special, here is the point where I'd get changed back because I'd learned my lesson."

"Ha!"

"OK, Emily, I should go to bed. Big day tomorrow. And I'm going to enjoy it. Thank you. I won't let the bastards get me down, promise."

"Don't think of the guys at the track as bastards, though. They might be pure as the snow."

"Yeah, I know. It's just the not-knowing. But you pep-talked me really good. I'm going to enjoy it. Goodnight!"

"Goodnight, Ash. Sweet tuner dreams."


	4. Chapter 4

A changing cloud of men hovered vaguely around Ash all day, but fortunately, the person they actually attached her to for the day was a real intern named Maria, an engineering student from University of Bremen. At the moment, the two of them were on their backs beneath a vehicle, reaching into its innards to connect leads to sensors. Wires snaked out from where they worked to a laptop on a stand beside the car.

As they worked, Maria made chitchat with her excellent, though somewhat accented, English. "So, Ash, where in the U.S. are you from?"

"A little town you wouldn't have heard of, called Tempest. In Massachusetts."

"Oh, Massachusetts, my favorite state!"

"No kidding? Why's that?"

"You have in Massachusetts the gay marriage, right?"

"Uh... yeah..." Ash had overheard stuff about that in the news lately.*

"You know, sometimes we Europeans think, oh, Americans, they are so conservative. But then you have in Massachusetts the gay marriage, and we do not have it here in Germany."

"Right... well, I think Tempest is more conservative than, you know, Boston or whatever."

Maria sighed wistfully. "I hope I get married someday. Not soon, because my girlfriend, she runs away with cheap Danish slut. But I think someday I find the right one, you know?"

Maria noticed Ash staring at her. "I am sorry. You do not have the problems with gay people, do you?"

"Uh? Me? Uh, no! No, of course not!" Embarrassed, Ash looked away and fumbled for a way to absolve herself. "I, uh, actually... I think I sort of... um, like girls, too."

"Ohhhhh?" Maria's voice became very warm and she touched Ash on the forearm. "It is so nice to know that! You know where to go to around Bremen? Clubs? Dancing?" She mimed dance moves with her arms.

"Ah, uh, no! I mean, I don't, um, go out or anything."

"No? You have girlfriend already maybe? I am sorry, I am not hitting on you - you are very cute but too young for me, I do not rob the, ummm, what is the word..."

"Cradle?"

"Right, I do not rob the cradle. But, you know, it is nice to have someone to show you around. I can show you all the good places for lesbians, where you want to go."

Ash was blushing so hard she was afraid solder would melt off the electronics in her hands. "No, really. I don't go out or anything. Or date. I..."

"Ohhhhh! I see! You are in the closet still, yes?"

"Uh... yeah, I guess you could put it that way."

"Then this is perfect. Tomorrow night is a mixer of the gay students' club at the university. There is no pressure, it is just a time for relax and chat with people."

Ash blinked. "I'm not a student, though."

"It is not a problem, non-students come all the time. You see, you are far from home, so you must take this opportunity, you don't get in trouble with anybody from your home, they never know you came. But you can meet people like you and talk to them. It is very important, Ash." Maria looked Ash seriously in the eye. "It is bad for you, Ash, to be hiding all alone. You have to talk to people who are like you. It made my life so much better when i did. You must come, yes?"

Ash had no idea how to answer.

~ x ~ x ~

- Same-sex marriage was legalized in Massachusetts in May 2004.

~ x ~ x ~

"McArthurs', this is Emily."

"Hey, Em!"

"Ash! Oh, good! Tell me all about it."

"It sucked. It was boring."

"Huh?"

"I'm kidding! It was fantastic. I worked with an intern named Maria all day. She was putting these vibration sensors all around the interiors of the cars and getting their readings into her computer. It's not exactly the sort of tuning work I'm used to doing, but it was still a nice way to see the insides of a lot of cars. And I got some more chances to talk to them about different things they're experimenting with, new piston materials and chassis configurations and... well, just lots of amazing stuff."

"So are you going to come home and give the XR4Ti a big high-tech Germanic makeover?"

"Well, that's the thing, it's all too high-tech to actually use. I mean, the parts I'd need don't exist on the market. I'd need my own laboratory to build them. Still, it was really cool to see."

"Gonna study your math harder so you can be an engineer?"

"Uuuunnhhh, math..."

"What? You can do it, you proved you can do it."

"Um. Yeah. It's just, studying math always makes think about that bet, and, uh... I feel bad."

"Oh. Um. I'm sorry. I didn't want it to be something you'd feel bad about."

"Actually... actually, that sort of brings me to the other thing..."

"What?"

"Well, I'm kind of going to this thing at Maria's university tomorrow night."

"Oh, cool! What sort of thing?"

"It's, um, an LGBT student mixer."

Beat.

"What?"

"Uh, you know, lesbian, gay..."

"No, I know that. I mean, how did... what did..."

"Maria invited me."

"Maria invited you?"

"We were talking, and somehow she mentioned being a lesbian, and..."

"She mentioned _what?_ How old is she? What is she doing hitting on you?"

"She's not hitting on me. She specifically said that she wasn't."

"Oh, well, she _said_ she wasn't. That completely proves it, then. She couldn't _possibly_ be hitting on you if she said she wasn't."

"No, seriously. She just, um, wants to help me. You know. Figure out about being a lesbian."

"But you're _not_ a lesbian!"

"Aren't I?" Ash's tone sharpened. "What am I, then? I'm a girl who likes girls. How is that not a lesbian?"

"You're a boy!"

"Right. On the inside. But there's this girl I like who'd go out with me, if I were a boy. But when I asked her, she explained that what's on the inside doesn't count, and that she can't date me because she's not a lesbian. So, then, how am I not a lesbian? Cripe, Emily, I have to be _something_!"

Em struggled to poke a hole in the logic, eventually only coming up with, "You didn't ask me out. You just kissed me."

Ash sighed. "Yeah. I know. I'm sorry. Anyway... I'm just saying, I want to go talk to people at this college thing."

"I thought you already tried that. With Missi."

"Missi... is Missi. When it didn't work out with Casper, did that mean you were swearing off guys forever?"

"You didn't just go on a date with her, you made out with her."

"Em, why does all this make you so jealous?"

"I am not jealous!"

"No, I - ok, hold on. Let's try ten seconds of silence."

"Huh?"

"I mean, just, no talking, either of us. Ten silent calm-down seconds, starting now. Go."

Confused, Emily waited.

Finally - was that only ten seconds? - Ash broke the silence. "OK. I'm asking why you're jealous, but not to tease you. I really need to understand. You're my best friend, Em, and I don't want to hurt your feelings, so I need to know why it bothers you so much."

When Em didn't answer, Ash went on. "I mean, I know exactly why I was jealous when you went out with Casper. It's because I wanted to be the one going out with you instead. But I don't know why you're jealous, now."

Emily finally stammered out, "It's... if you get involved with somebody, she'll take up your attention, and then I'll be... lonely. Same as when you were dating Missi."

"But this isn't like dating somebody, it's just one evening."

"It's a girl thing, Ash! Girls get jealous of their friends more easily than boys do."

"That's... all? Just... regular friendship jealousy?"

"Yes!"

The line was silent for a long moment before Ash took a deep breath, then said, "Okay. I believe you that girls get jealous of their friends. But, you know, girls end up dating people anyway, right? I mean, they do get over it."

"We're even closer than most girl friends, I think."

"Yeah. You're right. But still... I can't just be a nun, Emily. Or, at least, I need to talk to somebody about all this. I can talk to you about almost everything, but this is different. You liked boys before, and you still like them now, and it isn't something you have to worry about. And anyway, it's kind of a touchy subject between you and me... this conversation kind of proves that, huh?"

Emily gave a grudging, not-exactly-disagreeing grunt.

"So," Ash ventured, "I'll probably be out too late to call you tomorrow... call you the night after?"

"Right. Um, be careful and everything."

"Yeah, I won't get pregnant, promise."

Em snorted, but not cheerfully. "Goodnight, Ash."

"Goodnight, Em."

Emily hung up the phone, flopped onto her bed, and lay motionless. Somehow, that seemed the most frustrating conversation she'd ever had.

She bolted upright: the pictures! Ash had sent an email full of pictures of the car lab. Em had only skimmed them before, but...

She rushed to her computer and re-opened the mail. Flipping frantically past a dozen or so, she froze at a shot of a group of engineers. One of them jumped out: a young woman, probably college age.

_That has to be her._

She flipped past a few more pictures to a clear shot of her - Maria, that's got to be Maria - standing in front of a half-disemboweled sedan. Emily stared.

Tall and slender, with a high ponytail of glossy black hair. No widow's peak. A pronounced but narrow, vaguely aristocratic nose. Effortlessly fashionable in a black turtleneck, tight jeans, and boots. A stance of ease and confidence. Everything about her breathed out maturity, sophistication.

Emily stared at the engineer and felt herself a silly little girl by comparison. _I'm a child. She's a woman._

_And she's coming for Ash._

Emily pulled her knees up to her chin and wrapped her arms around them. Aloud, she squeaked, "I don't stand a chance!"


	5. Chapter 5

Ash probably wouldn't have made it in the door - or, at least, would have fled during the first few minutes - if Maria hadn't kept hold of her elbow. It wasn't that the people were scary - well, OK, a couple of them did look a bit excessively pierced and dyed, but - it's just that the whole situation was so impossibly, unendurably weird.

Then, however, Maria introduced her to a couple of people and got her talking about racing.

Now Ash sat fully at ease at a small table surrounded by girls. She pushed cups of cola aside to trace out an imaginary diagram with her fingertip. "So he corners hard around the light pole and comes in ahead of me - almost takes out his bumper on the curb, but it's his home course and he knows it perfectly - and then he's in front of me with a straight shot to the finish line! There's no room to pass him, it's too narrow. It's over! Except then I realize - the wind off the ocean has been blowing sand onto the lot." She grinned and looked up at her audience to savor their anticipation.

Four girls leaned in toward her; four pair of eyes were riveted to hers. All bright, open eyes; lips parted in smiles. Open faces, beaming, brimming with admiration. With_ invitation__._

Ash stopped. Swallowed. "Um, I, uh, have to use the restroom." She got up and shot out the door.

Fifteen minutes later she was standing in front of a bulletin board, pretending to read posters in a language she didn't understand, when Maria found her.

"There you are! Everyone was worried you had gotten lost."

"Uh... no. I, um, just needed to take a walk."

Maria stopped beside her and waited a moment. "Is something wrong, Ash?"

Ash kept her eyes on the board and shook her head slightly in puzzlement. "Those girls, looking at me... I've seen girls acting like that. It's the way they act around, you know, jocks. Football players. Not me."

Maria nodded. "You are very popular, Ash. You have, somewhat, the tomboy personality, you know? But also - very cute. These two things together, a lot of girls like it very much."

Ash kept looking at the board.

"... is that not good for you?", Maria ventured hesitantly.

"I don't know. It seems like it should be good, right?"

They stood a moment in silence.

Ash finally turned toward the older girl. "Maria, have you ever been in love with a straight girl?"

"Naturally. Ah, is this the problem? Who is the girl?"

"She's my best friend."

"Aaaah! Yes, of course! Now I see. You do not need to say one word more. Already I know the entire story."

"Huh?"

"Always, this is the way it is for the young lesbian girl. For every one! Always, you have the best friend. And you are so close! You always want to be with her. You love her so!" Maria clasped her arms over her chest in illustration. "You think, we are so happy together! Surely, she will be in love with me as well, yes?"

Ash swallowed. "What then?"

"Have you told her how you feel?"

"Yes."

"And what did she say?"

"That she's straight."

Maria nodded sadly.

"So what do I do?"

"There is nothing you can do, Ash. She has answered you."

"But..."

"Straight people cannot help being straight, Ash. They were born that way."

"But... sometimes I think maybe she really does like me after all, like maybe she's coming around. Don't people ever, you know, change their minds?"

Maria sighed. "I know a girl, she had this situation. After a time, her best friend says, OK, perhaps we will date after all. And she is so happy! She thinks she is in heaven! And then, in a while, she says, 'I am sorry, I love you, but I need a man.' And she breaks up with her, and her friend, she is more sad than ever, ever before."

Ash gulped. "... What do I do?"

"You go on, and you find a girl who can love you."

"I can't just give up on Emily!"

"It does not do any good to keep waiting for her, Ash. It only makes you both sad."

"But Emily's... special."

"Of course! Very special. She is your first love." Maria clasped her hands together. "Always, she is important to you. Always, she has a special place in your heart." She dropped her hands and looked sternly into Ash's eyes. "But not in your bed."

~ x ~ x ~

Emily frowned at herself in her bedroom mirror. Her headband had slipped out of place again. It was no use; with her hair up a ponytail, the headband just wouldn't stay where it belonged. In frustration, she pulled off her scrunchie, shook her hair down again, and turned back to her closet.

"Honey?" Emily's mom poked her head in the room. "After your homework, could you..." She stopped, eying the stacks and piles of clothes on the bed. "What are you doing?"

Folding a shirt, Emily said, "I'm going through my clothes and getting rid of some old things I don't need any more."

Her mother picked up a skirt from the top of one of the stacks, denim with a floral-print ruffle around the hem. "You aren't getting rid of this one, are you?"

"Yeah, that's my give-away pile."

"I thought you loved this skirt!"

"It's too immature for me, " Emily sniffed.

Mrs. McArthur raised an eyebrow at her daughter. "Didn't you just wear it last week?"

"Well... still!"

Emily's mother shook her head. "Tell you what, honey. I'll bring you a couple big boxes you can fill up, and I'll take care of them."

"Thanks, Mom!"

Emily's mother left, pulling the door shut behind her. "And then," she thought, "I'll put the boxes in the attic and wait for this mood to pass."

~ x ~ x ~

Bored, Ash eyed the felt banners and stained-glass windows, wondering what the German on them said, and whether she would understand them even if she could read it. This wasn't the sort of magnificent ancient cathedral her father thought she was sightseeing at today; it was a garden-variety church building not much different from a dozen in Tempest. She'd tried a big cathedral first, but it turned out that all the big old churches here in Bremen weren't Catholic anymore.

The door to the little wood booth opened, and an elderly lady hobbled out. Hesitantly, Ash poked her head into the now-empty space. "Um... hello?", she ventured.

"Kommen Sie herein, junge Frau,"said a voice from behind a carved wooden screen.

"Um, do you speak English?"

"_Selbstverständlich. _Come in, child. Please sit."

"I'm, uh, not really here to confess," Ash confessed, uncertainly pulling the door shut behind her. "I'm actually not even Catholic."

"Do not worry. Please, sit down. Tell me what is on your mind."

Settling gingerly onto the bench, Ash began, "I've got this friend who got in trouble, with Heaven. And I need to know how to get him off the hook. I mean, forgiven."

"Forgiveness is what we all need. But noone can gain forgiveness for someone else. If your friend is to find forgiveness, he must be the one to look for it."

"OK, what's he supposed to do?"

~ x ~ x ~

"Rumisiel?"

"Ash! Long time no hear! How's it going? How's the beer over there?"

"No small talk. What's your plan for getting back into Heaven?"

Rumisiel was taken aback. "Uh... well... I'll, kind of, you know, do good deeds and stuff, and..."

"I mean, before seventy damn years."

"Well..."

"You don't have a plan, do you? You're just going to sit around playing video games while I get old and die alone and get buried in a dress, aren't you?"

"I... geez, Ash, bad mood today! Why is this a big thing all of a sudden?"

"ALL OF A SUDDEN?" Ash shrieked. "It is NOT all of a sudden! It has been a big, big thing since the moment you screwed up my life completely! Just because you've stopped worrying about it doesn't mean I have! Every single day it's my biggest problem, and my life is stuck and there's no way I can fix it until you get yourself back into Heaven!"

"I'm sorry, Ash. I'm really sorry. But it's not like I've got some secret solution and have just been waiting for you to yell at me loud enough. I'm not holding out on you."

__For a long moment, Rumisiel thought he could actually hear steam rising from Ash's head.

"Have you prayed for forgiveness?"

Very weird question, coming from Ash. "My case is in the system..."

"No, I mean pray. You know, to God."

"Angels don't pray."

"The hell? Aren't you supposed to be holy or something?"

"Direct divine contact is reserved for mortals."

"What? Why?"

"There's actually a lot of special treatment for mortals. You're so fragile, and short-lived. You're kind of like pets. Anyway, special mortal privileges was one of Lucifer's big grievances, during the takeover attempt... and ever since then, complaining about them isn't exactly PC."

"So you can't pray for forgiveness?"

"We don't get forgiven as easily as you do. We're supposed to know better. And we have time for, you know. Long penances."

"You have time. I don't." Ash didn't sound angry anymore. She sounded deeply defeated. "So nothing that priest told me will help."

"A priest? Yeah, they wouldn't really know anything about angels."

"Yeah. I should have known." Now Ash's voice sounded downright dead.

"Hey, Ash. It'll be OK! I'm sure things will work out."

"Sure, Rumisiel. It'll be fine. Say hi to Vashiel. Talk to you later."

"Hey, wait a minute, Ash! You haven't said anything about your trip! How is..."

A dial tone cut him off.


	6. Chapter 6

"McArthurs', this is Emily!"

"Hi, Emily, it's Rumisiel."

"What - Rumi? What do you want?", snapped Emily.

"Wow, nice to know people love to hear from me..."

"I'm expecting a call from Ash, okay? She should call any minute."

"Uh, yeah, so, she hasn't called you?"

"No, so can you please get off the phone?"

"Um, would she normally have called by now?"

"Yes! Like, usually by an hour ago."

"Um. That's bad."

"Huh?" Concern abruptly blunted the edge in Emily's voice.

"Well, she called me earlier, and sounded... bad. I was kind of worried, and wanted to make sure she was OK."

Emily's heart started pounding faster. "Bad? Bad, how?"

"Uh, she was tearing me a new one out about... you know, her usual complaint."

"She called you from Germany to complain about being a girl?"

"Yeah, I thought it was weird, too. But then, she flipped from mad to all depressed and hung up. I tried to call back but she wouldn't pick up. I'm kind of worried."

A zooful of wild fears about Ash's mystery night at the university had been milling around Emily's head all day. Now one question promoted itself from sick curiosity to horrible dread: Could lesbians rape a girl?...

"Right. I'll call her. Thanks, Rumi." Emily hung up without waiting for acknowledgement.

~ x ~ x ~ x

_From: xr4ti at hotmail com  
><em>

_To: emily_mcarthur at mail com  
><em>

_Date: 10:26 PM January 27, 2005_

_Subject: RE: Is everything OK?_

_Hi, Em. Sorry I couldn't talk tonight. I didn't mean to worry you. I'm fine._

_- Ash_

_- To: xr4ti at hotmail com  
><em>

_ - From: emily_mcarthur at mail com _

_ - Date: 10:10 PM January 27, 2005_

_ - Subject: Is everything OK?_

_ - Ash,_

_ - Are you OK? I've been trying to call you and you're not picking up. Rumi said you sounded down when you called him. If you want to talk about anything, call anytime... or just call to tell me you're OK, please?_

_ - - Em_

"What the hell?" Emily protested at her computer screen. "That's supposed to be an answer?"

~ x ~ x ~

Rumisiel's voice rang out from the Uptons' front hall. "That was the Doc! They've landed, they're at Logan!"

"Oh my gosh! We've got to hurry up!" Eponine started rolling the cookie dough more frantically.

"Don't worry," advised Logan. "It's over two hours from the airport, assuming they've even got their luggage yet." He frowned thoughtfully into the recipe book.

Emily wandered out of the kitchen, to where Rumisiel was hanging up the phone. "Why'd you have to make this into a big complicated party, anyway?", she complained.

"It wasn't me!", Rumi protested. "Missi just showed up and started inviting people!"

Missi's voice rang out from the living room. "So leave, if you don't want to welcome Ash back!"

Emily went to the living room's arch. "I was going to welcome her back! Just, without this whole party fuss."

Missi was lying on her stomach before a butcher-paper banner spread out on the living room floor. She glared up at Emily. "Mm-hmm, I'll _bet_ you'd like to welcome her alone."

Ignoring the taunt, Emily stepped closer. The homemade banner read

**WILKOMMEN ZU HAUSE**

**DOC UND ASH**

Missi returned her attention to drawing hearts and flowers in the hollow letters of "ASH".

Emily frowned. "Why are you doing that?"

"I'm adding decoration," replied Missi, without looking up.

"That's not - she won't like that."

Missi switched to a green marker to draw a daisy stem. "I think she will."

"I know Ash, okay? Draw little cars or German flags or something."

"Hey, Emily, you know something interesting?" Missi capped the marker and blew on the ink. "She's..."

She stood up and stretched. "not..."

She handed the marker to Emily. "yours."

Missi left the room, flouncing into the kitchen. "I want to lick the bowl!"

Em stood still for half a minute, clenching the marker. Finally, she threw it against the wall. It clattered to the floor.

~ x ~ x ~

"So this Italian doctor - his English is terrible and his German is worse - he's trying to buy a sausage at this little one-man sausage stand, and he goes up to the guy..."

Ash took a glance around her living room, crowded with about half the population of Tempest. Despite her Dad's reputation for creepiness, he was keeping the guests entertained with anecdotes from their trip. It seemed like a good time to get away without seeming too rude. She slipped into the garage and opened the XR4Ti's hood.

Moments later, the door from the house cracked open and Emily peeked in. "Ash? Is it OK if I come in? Or do you want to be alone?"

"No, of course! Come on in."

Emily entered gingerly. "Are you sure? Because it... kind of seems like you've been avoiding me."

Ash exhaled, wiped her begrimed hands against one another, and stood up from the engine compartment. "Not... I'm sorry, I know I haven't talked much, it's just... it's been a rough couple of days."

Emily cocked her head hopefully. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Ash sighed and bit her lip.

Em probed nervously. "Did something... bad happen at that LGBT thing?"

"No", Ash shook her head. "No, not really..."

"Something... good, then?" Emily winced at a mental image of Ash in the embrace of the German intern.

Ash snorted. "Certainly not that."

"No German girlfriend?"

"God, no. Oh, jeez, Emily." Ash turned to her. "No, nothing like that. Nothing really happened there, OK? Just, talking. Talking that got me thinking, and I don't like the thoughts."

"What sort of thoughts?"

"I - Em, I can talk to you about almost anything, but not about this. I'm sorry." Ash looked back down into the engine.

Em's lip trembled a little. "Did I do something wrong?"

"Huh? No! No - it's nothing - no, Emily, you haven't done anything wrong, nothing about this is your fault... You're exactly the way you're supposed to be, the only way you can be. It's all... I'm the problem here, not you, OK?" She dropped the hood shut with a clang. "I should probably go back in and be sociable."

~ x ~ x ~

"Thanks for taking me out again!" Molly held up a filmy blouse and pursed her lips at the price tag.

"Sure." Emily drummed her fingers on a mannequin's thigh. "Don't you ever want to do something besides go shopping, though?"

Molly tilted her head. "What else is there?"

They shopped a few more minutes while Molly made little "hmm"s and "ooh"s.

"Uh, Molly? I was wondering..."

"Hmm?"

"What do you think somebody's trying to say if they say, `I'm the problem, not you`?"

Molly looked sharply at Emily. "Whoah-oh, red alert! Classic boy breakup line!" She scowled. "You have a boyfriend? Had a boyfriend? Without telling me?"

"Wha - n - no! No, of course not!"

"Well, `It's not you, it's me` only has one meaning: a boy's breaking up with you. So c'mon, let's go gorge on ice cream and bitch about guys."

"It's not... how can somebody break up with me if they're not my g-boyfriend?"

"You tell me!", challenged Molly.

"I... no, it's definitely not at all like that."

Molly sighed and looked back to a rack of cropped jeans. "Fine, then. You don't want the benefit of my experience with boys, so be it. Oh, well, I guess it saves me the calories..."

~ x ~ x ~

As she rounded the corner onto her own block, Ash noticed a moving truck parked across the street and two doors down from her house. A woman in the back was handing a cardboard box down to a woman on the street. A joke sprang to mind that Maria had translated for her:

"What does a lesbian bring on a second date?"

"A U-Haul!"

Ash surreptitiously studied the women as she passed. "What, I think I've got gaydar now?" She could imagine Maria jumping out, welcoming the two to the community, and inviting them to some vegan lesbian festival.

Then she spotted Emily's car parked in front of her house, and her heart leapt a little. She went inside, and Emily looked up from the dining room table. "Welcome home, Ash!", she chirped. Two milk crates full of paperwork sat before her.

"Hey... what's all this?" Ash slid into a seat beside Emily and set her backpack down.

"College! Eponine's finished all her applications, so she said you could use her catalogs and brochures."

"Oh, yeah, I've been getting some of those in the mail..."

"And have you been keeping them? Together? And organized?"

"Well... I was going to get around to that..."

"There is no more `around to it`, Ash! Some places have their application deadline this week! You need letters of recommendation, admission essays... you've got to move!"

"Oh, yeah..." Ash slumped back and stared up at the ceiling.

"Ash, you promised you'd apply!"

"Right. OK. Let's see what we've got."

"I'm going to assume this one is right out." Emily dropped a booklet labelled "Wellesley College" onto the "no" pile.

"Huh? Why?"

"Women's college?"

"Oh..." Ash wondered how the filing system would cope if, by some literal miracle, she got refiled back to normal while enrolled at an all-girls' school.

"Hey, Em...", she ventured hesitantly.

"Hmm?"

"At school today, Kenny was asking me about you."

"Who's Kenny?"

"You know, one of the Old Road racers... the one with the glasses?"

"Oh, yeah, OK... why?"

"Well, he wanted to know if you had a boyfriend..."

"Pfff!" Emily snorted and picked up another catalog.

Ash swallowed. "I think you should go out with him."

Emily dropped the catalog and stared at Ash in open-mouthed disbelief. "What?"

"Well, you know... he's into cars, he's a nice guy, he's kind of smart..."

"You want me to go out with a boy?"

"Well... why shouldn't you?"

"Because...", she sputtered. "You were jealous when I went out with Casper!"

"And I said I wanted you to go out with him anyway. Me being jealous has nothing to do with whether you get to have a boyfriend."

Emily kept up the stare.

Ash continued, "You like boys. Tempest is full of boys. So take one of them, already!"

"I don't want just some boy. I want someone I actually, you know, like?"

"I didn't say you have to marry him. Just go out with him. Have a dating life, you know. How are you going to find one you really like if you stay away from all of them?"

"I can't believe I'm hearing this. You're being so weird lately." Without warning, Emily stood up and left the room.

Ash put her fist to her mouth and nibbled a knuckle. To herself, she muttered, "I have never, ever tried to take another guy's girlfriend. Never would. Never even been tempted. I need a way out here, Emily."

~ x ~ x ~

Ash opened her front door. "Hi," she offered to Emily.

"Hi."

Ash cleared her throat. "Um, come in. Look, I'm sorry about yesterday. I really didn't want it to be an argument..."

"Yeah, that's OK," said Emily, as Ash took her coat. "Just, no more Kenny, OK?"

"Okay." Ash sat down in front of the pile of college materials.

"So, ready to tackle this again? Sorry to do this to you day after day."

"No, it's OK - you're right, I've got to hurry up and get it done. Thanks for helping."

"Sure! So, where were we?"

"Actually, I was thinking... is there something here from University of Michigan?" Ash stood up to finger-walk over the folders in a milk crate.

"Michigan?"

"Yeah, I was thinking, if I do end up wanting to do something like automotive engineering, that would be the logical place, right?"

"But I don't want to go to Michigan!"

Ash stared down at Emily, who looked away, blushing.

"We're talking about my college here... not yours... right?"

"Right, right, of course." She picked up a catalog, then dropped it. "It's just - "

"What?"

"Well, I was thinking. When I went visiting colleges - last time around - I remember this girl at Brown who told me that the most important thing is to make sure you get a good roommate, someone you get along with really well. And I was thinking - if we chose colleges in the same city, then maybe we could get an apartment together once I go. Maybe I could even try to skip a year and go to college early... which is to say, only one year late..."

"You want... to move in together?"

"Right, because I already know we're best friends and get along really well. We'd be perfect roommates!"

"You want to move in together."

"Sharing a one-bedroom apartment will probably be cheaper than living in the dorms anyway."

"One... bedroom..."

"Right, just like we were roommates at your Mom's house, remember? And that was great, right?"

Ash remembered nights spent awake, staring at Emily's sleeping form. "Yeah, great."

"... uh, you know, if you wanted to." Emily bit her lip shyly.

"Um, I'm kind of hungry. I'm going to get a snack. Want me to bring you something?"

"No, that's OK."

Ash went into the kitchen, found a cookie, and collapsed into a chair beside the window. She craned her neck to peer out at the moving truck, still parked across the street. She chewed absently as she asked under her breath, "One bedroom, Em? How many beds, then? Two? ... One?"

"What are you up to, anyway? Am I ever going to know?"

_Years of joy? Torture? Both?_

_Am I even capable of saying no?_

She shook her head and returned to the living room and its piles of paperwork. "Where was that UMass Boston folder, again?"

END


End file.
